You Push And I Push Back

Lately, I've been having a hard time keeping my feelings in check. Yesterday I kept muttering the words "I Quit" at work. Those who know me, know that I was just talking shit that I would never quit out of frustration or annoyance because I'm above all that. I was just at my breaking point and when that happens I just say stupid things. I could make a promise at this moment to never be that way again, but who am I kidding that would never happen. I am a creature of habit and nothing will change that. I just need to keep my thoughts and words to myself before it gets me in trouble. Which brings me to the reason I say "Push Back". I changed my tune after helping a secretary with a simple receipt request. She in turn sent me a rewarding email saying how I must be a valued employee. Nothing makes you change your tune faster than positive feedback like that. I didn't do anything special but my job. I sometimes question if I do what I'm supposed to be doing and after last night I know that I am. People are right when they say the positive out weighs the negative because when I received that email the annoyance and frustration melted away. So push me, and I will still be standing. Push me harder and I might just push back with everything I have. You can't break me.

The Wedding Album

Every girl dreams about their perfect wedding and who they would marry when they come of age. From their pretend weddings in the back yard, to their doodles of hearts and initials written on pages of notebook paper. We hardly see the guys point of view when it comes what their thoughts are on getting married. I think it's because they are guys and don't think about the romantic stuff which is really sad but true. I one the other hand always thought of one thing that I would want at my wedding and no it's not flowers or the guest list, it's the music. I've always been a music junkie and I sit here thinking what songs would I want playing at my wedding. One group comes to mind because the lyrics they use pretty much describes how I feel about the bear: Lifehouse. Musical geniuses I doubt it, but lyrical soothers most definitely. My cousin Veronica played a great Bryan Adams song at her wedding that was a perfect fit for them. I would go with the following three songs for starters:

1. You and Me

2. Everything

3. All I'm Asking For

My wedding album would have a lot more but these three describe how I love the bear and wouldn't want to change a thing. Out of the world of music, I'm sure everyone has their perfect song.

In Love With My Own Mind

I can say that I'm full of myself, but people wouldn't believe this as being true. I do tend to joke a lot but that's just me. I'm never too serious about anything but there are a those moments that I can be serious when it calls and is appropriate. Those who know me know that I'm just a silly little man with aspirations to be better than I am without losing my sense of humor. I need to take a cue from my partner in crime at work and learn to let it go, but I just can't shake the feeling. So there are times that my roller coaster will take a huge dip to the negative region of the ride. It freaking sucks to feel so damn low at times. Lately, I haven't let my mind slip to that place which means I'm due for a mental break down. I just need to stop being so over dramatic. I'm very weird that way, one minute I'm joking and having a good time and the next I'm down in the dumps feeling sorry for myself and shit like that. It's really retarded that I don't have my feelings in check, but I am a little crazy and it goes with the territory. I can sit here and lie to myself and vow that I'll never be so down blah blah blah, but like I said it's only lies. So I deal with my mind playing tricks on itself making myself believe in things that aren't true and there you have it, down again.

5 Things You Probably Didn't Know

Shocking people is nothing new to me, I do it all the time with the words that come out of my mouth. Yet, some of my friends don't know my whole story. So I'd like to fill you in on 5 things you may or may not know about me.

1. I attended 3 different high schools before graduating in 1996

2. I got over a 100 stitches in both my feet when I was 6

3. I was in swim team for 2 years with the backstroke being my strongest event

4. For being the meanest brother in the world (and I was pretty rotten), my youngest brother and sister paid me back by telling all my classmates that I played with a vibrator. I was in the 6th grade.

5. I was engaged to be married to my girlfriend after we graduated high school. We all know how that turned out.

There you have it 5 things you may or may not know about me. Have fun with these and maybe you'll feel the courage to share.

Why I'm Kiddless.....Seriously!!

Okay, for the record I don't mind kids. I do believe that they are our future and some can be adorable. I'm just glad that I'm not apart of any of it. I'm way to selfish to raise a child, people say you grow out of it, yet there are some parents that I've seen who haven't grown out of it and still have like 3 children. I tell people that I just have the patients, they tell me that it's something that you gain and yet here are mothers in a store just screaming at their child to behave, when in all actuality they are the ones to blame for their behavior. They would rather give in the child then have the patience to wait out the tantrums, because they are inconvenienced by the crying. Then there is the responsibility part, I can barely take responsibility for myself let a lone another human being. Just to sum it all up I would be a horrible parent, this I can fess up to. I just wish others realized this before breeding.

Oh Friday

I just love knowing that tomorrow is my day off and all I have to do is survive 8 hrs. I know that I just got back from a 5 day mini vaca, but people drive me insane lmao!! Especially when they have no clue about anything at all. It amazes me how some people have survived this long for being so stupid, but like the bear says "They are the lucky ones who breed like rabbits". Even though today is payday, it doesn't bother me that I'm not as busy as I once thought I would be. It's great to know that I did 3 days of work in 8 hrs with very little interruptions. I love my job, I love what I do despite the headaches that come with the position. I'm ready for a Kinect weekend and just act a fool with my new system. Friday I love when you come around, oh and I have a month left before we head to our home away from home.......DISNEYLAND!! To work there would be a dream come true, I'm just throwing that one out there for those who don't know about my love for that place which is shadowed compared to the bears love for it. Well it's shower time, and time to get this week over with.

I Won

I've had many accomplishments in my lifetime. I've been employee of the month from two of my jobs. I've graduated high school barely. I marched with my high school band in the Rose Bowl Parade and through Disneyland. I was graduation speaker when I  graduated from Job Corps (which may not be college it's the closest thing I got). I've received several promotions over the years. I'm partnered to the most wonderful bear. The list goes on and on and I can continue talking about me, because this is my blog after all. The most recent is from out company's function last night. They had an auction and the company spent over $8000.00 on prizes to win. Going into this I had my heart and mind set on one thing and one thing only and that was a game system (just for the motion control). I found out that it was the last item up for bids. I was excited to see that I was Top 5 in points so the chances were good. As the night progressed I watched as the participants who had more points than me were bidding like crazy and winning, until I was left "Top Dog" as I liked to call it. Finally, the item I most wanted came up and I was so shaky from excitement that when a co worker stole my paddle for a split second I wanted to knock him out for messing with me. The bidding started and a few aquatic kids foolishly decided to bid against me, and I thought to myself "how fun." They got to my breaking point as they bid 700 and turned to them and back to the auctioneer and proclaimed "1000". Turning back to the kids, I watched as they put their paddles down in disappointment and defeat. I WON, I couldn't believe that I won my xbox 360 w/ Kinect. I took a picture with my phone and sent it to the bear who responded with a YAY! I was a happy cubby last night with more "I won" moments to come.

Much Needed R & R

Just sitting here on the couch relaxing before I take the aminals (that's how I say it, I know it's wrong) for their walk. No work today, just an appointment I have go to. After that it's sit my ass at home time and do absolutely nothing. I'm really enjoying this time off, but getting into the real part of it since I always get weekends off (unless requested other wise). Well here's to extended weekends, relaxing, and what ever you have to cheer about.

Rain, Rain, And More Rain

I understand the usefulness of rain and how it keeps life going and what not. Maybe it's my jaded side that comes out from living here so damn long. When it rains all I want to do is move sooner than later. I'm sure I'd miss after some time, but I'll never know if I don't leave. Because of the rain, I've seen major flooding a couple years back to back, and that is just my surroundings. The plus side is that the state is very green (west side of the mountains for the most part). I do enjoy the beauty of our state. I'd give it all up for some warmer weather year round. I think I'm becoming one of those old people, lol.

It's The Simple Things

I had a great day yesterday, with the one exception but I'm leaving that one off because it was so irrelevant. I spent some time listening to a friend as they explained their frustrations. I got all my work done that I had planned for the day plus the extra stuff that was asked of me. When I got home I was greeted the usual way by the dogs happy to see me and the bear playing his game. It's the simple things like this that makes life worth while, nothing complicated, no fighting, just a usual relaxing day. It puts a smile on my face knowing that this is how it is normally on a daily basis. From work to home, it's not as bad as I bitch about and I apologize to those I vent to about things I really shouldn't let it bother me, but when you deal with stupid people the only alternative is climbing a clock tower (normally in my head and it's more a video game than anything). Just smile regularly, say hi to almost everyone you see, and just have good thoughts flowing and the vibe of the day will remain simple.

Music Equals Soundtrack

This one is more a question then a blog. What songs would you put on your personal soundtrack to your life? Most soundtracks come with 13-14 songs at least, so make a list and implement it into your life. You may just be surprised on how feel when you get these songs together on one CD or playlist. Here's my 14:

1. When I Grow Up - Garbage

2. Material Girl - Madonna

3. Too Deep - Genesis

4. Sex Drive - Dead or Alive

5. Vibeology - Paula Abdul

6. ADIDA - Korn

7. TGIF - Katy Perry

8. Breaking the Habit - Linkin Park

9. Dracula Moon - Joan Osborne

10. I Will Remember You - Amy Grant

11. The Fame - Lady Gaga

12. Everything - Lifehouse

13. All I'm Asking For - Lifehouse

14. S & M - Rhianna

I could list so much more this was harder than I thought it would be, my entire catalog of music should be here because all the songs have impacted me in one way or another. But there you go my 14 track of my life, look these songs up and enjoy my life in lyrical bliss. Some songs you won't like but you're not me either so there lol.

It Is What It Is

I have so many thoughts flowing through my tiny little brain that the only thing that helps to stop them from taking over completely is good old fashion sleep. I know that not everything I come up with is the best solution to any problem but it sure does look good on paper. I can plan for something and it never goes as such, but the end result always seems to be what I wanted it to be or very very close. I'm not very fond of not getting my way, hell who isn't. I do however except it as "It wasn't meant to be". I can deal with that, but what I can't deal with is the fact that some people never learn and they continue to do the same BS they've always done with out any consequences and that's just not right for the rest of us who do what they are supposed to day in and day out. I keep saying to myself "It's coming, they are going to get what's coming to them" and then nothing. I need to stop worrying about others and what they are or not doing and focus on what is more important........ME and the people who I love and adore. I'm going to take some advice, well actually follow her example, from my partner in crime and just let it go. I can only go so far holding onto this animosity for so long before it consumes my fragile little being. I'm going to take everything at face value and just do the one thing that is so damn hard for me........be patient. 

The Weekend 9/10-9/11

This weekend was uneventful because we did absolutely nothing lol. Saturday, we just did some running around like cash in our freebies from the Lucky Eagle and watched movies when we returned. Sunday, we just lounged around the house. I was a nice change of pace of always needing or wanting to go out and do something. Don't get me wrong, I'm no slouch just a go with the flow kinda guy. It's Monday now, and time to get my self back to work mode. It's never ending.

Takes One To Know One

I have many frustrations in my life dealing with a stressful job and managing a social life while making my man happy. All the hard working men and women out there that juggling a plate that is very full, I feel your pain. Ever feel that you are being stretched too thin? Me too, but I wouldn't want to change it for the world. Well maybe for a life of solitude on a beach somewhere (more specific somewhere in the Caribbean. just saying). All in all I really can't complain with how my life turned out. I have some wonderful friends and an even more wonderful man. I know I can't be the only one who has this.

Only In Dreams

Ever remember a dream when you wake up? You replay it through your mind and can remember doing something extraordinary like flying. People say that dreams are a manifest of thoughts flowing through your mind that you can see, but with a twist. Others see dreams as a gateway to some sort of omen or premonition of what is to come. Well I hope the second one isn't true because I don't think I want to be chased down by a horror movie character anytime soon. Dreams are away to recreate past events in your mind the way you remember them or how you want to remember them. The reality of it is you mind never shuts off. My favorite dreams are those that help me reconnect with loved ones that I've lost. To be able to have those last moments back for a little while are the greatest. I had a dream a while back involving a few people that I've lost dancing in a ballroom with their spouses one last time. I was a little kid again with my siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends. We were all watching as these couples danced around the center of the dance floor. These moments make me wish that they really happened and remind me that imagination is a good thing. Now to be chased around by Freddy Krueger from Nightmare on Elm St not so much fun but imaginative none the less. Okay, it is good to be scared sometimes, just reminds me that I am human and way too jumpy. Some times dreams reflect upon the days events and you can manipulate it to what you wish you would have said or done to make it more interesting. All in all, dreams are place where you can go and escape reality for the time you sleep rather you remember the dream or not. Just remember though it was only a dream.

Forgiveness

To start my newly blog, I would like to begin with something that isn't easy for me, FORGIVENESS. This comes from receiving as well as giving and it isn't always going to come. I would like to think that I"m a humble man who has experienced some major bs in my life. I've made huge mistakes, ones that I don't care to repeat making it a lesson learned situation. I forgive where forgiveness is warranted and letting go of grudges isn't easy for me. I'm one of those people that if you've done wrong to I'm going to hold on to that for a very long time. I don't forget anything rather good or bad. That being said, my ex-roommate recently reached out to me and the bear for the first time in 4 years. He really did a number on us and I thought we would never hear or see him again. One day the bear looks at me and says he misses the ex-roommate and that he wouldn't mind talking to him again. Come to find out, Karma is truly a bitch and bit the ex-roommate in the ass. For this, we forgave him for any wrong doings he did. But, there is another to whom I truly despise with all my being, she will remain nameless and her relationship to me will stay a mystery to all those who read this. She at one time was a good friend and there wasn't a time that I didn't think she was an awful person. As the years progressed I started to see her true colors as they shined through and realized that I wanted no part in such a hateful, self centered, and just plain gross person. Gross meaning her point of view and personality. Her demeanor towards another human being is just so damn unbelievable that you'd think she was a fictitious character that I made up for this blog, but no she is real. The only thing that pisses me off is the fact I let her have this power over me making me an emotional mess most of the time. I just realized that this is becoming a bitch fest more then anything so I'll drop it. I'm just going to close this subject by saying forgiveness is something that is earned and not to be given out like candy at Halloween. People who really show that they realized how they messed up and can truly apologize should be granted forgiveness. Those who never change will always be the ones who are forgotten in the long run.  "Seasons change but people don't" ~FOB. Thanks for reading and stay tuned because my point of view will shine through.