Days go By

As the days go by, I feel and see my dream getting further and further from my reach. An anchor is holding me down and I don't know how to break it. However, it is very rusty and very breakable at this point. I look for it to keep me grounded as if it is giving me the patience to see what happens next before I make a hasty decision to jump ship without that raft. I'm growing better as the days pass and more proficient in all that I set out to do regardless on what is set before me. The days are just making me stronger and more eager than ever. So maybe my dream isn't slipping away but sitting in the wings waiting to explode in the fashion I'm known for. All I know for sure is that I have mixed emotions about waiting.

Okay Dokay

Sitting here in my groggy state, I look around at my living room and realize that I'm the luckiest boy in the world. That's pretty much all there is to say today.

3/27/12

It was my niece's 21st birthday and her father got more shit faced than she did. She was pretty toasty by the nights end although. Earlier in the day, I got to drive my partner in crime's SUV, which was a blast. Then for the night's outing I drove my niece's car, which felt like a go-kart. What a fun time we had, and I hope she's not feeling too bad this morning.

Blue Monday

Not only is this a song, but it's a feeling as well. Waking up the morning of Monday (unless you are on vacation) is one of the hardest feats due to two days of sleeping in (in my case 4). Wondering what is waiting for you as you enter the building to start the day. Of course my head goes straight to the dread of what is awaiting me, but alas I'm just used to it by now. And here starts another glorious work week.

Fantastic *CLAP CLAP*

Had a great 4 day weekend, relaxed and refreshed and ready to take on the world again. The only thing that would have made this perfect if we were.........well you get the point!!

R&R part 1

I've decided to take a 4 day vaca from work this week meaning that I'm doing nothing but relaxing with the bear at home with the dogs. 4 days to reflect and move past any bad feelings (less reflecting more moving past). Only 10 more vaca days left, so I'm going to be using them very sparingly since they are for the entire year.

Entertainment

What is entertaining to you? Do you like reality shows with flare? Do you like make believe fights or the real beat 'em up ones? Are comedies more your thing or do you love to grab your tissues for a good cry from a drama? Do love when the battle screams fight from a fighting game, or is thinking about your next move and sparingly using your ammo more your schtick? Is it rock the gets your motor running or country that soothes your down home soul? We all have our preferences on what truly entertains us separately and collectively as people. It's when the creative juices dry up is when we become a dull nation.

Believe Me

I've had a lot of advice given to me about how to handle a delicate situation (I'm totally over exaggerating by the way). After my review, it has got me thinking about what I should say and how I should present it. It's gotten me a little pissed off due to the whole structure and what I am thought of. To be told I have the right to negotiate the scores kind of insulted me a little. I shouldn't have to negotiate your opinion on me, you're feelings are plain as day with what you have given me. To negotiate, no more like debating your opinion. I've believed a lie for an entire year just to be discouraged and to be told that I should ask for help more on something I already know is just a slap in the face. Especially when it is coming from someone who couldn't help me if they tried. They said them self that they don't understand. Believe me, I'm not going to just lie down and not say anything. I will state my case, but as far as these scores are concerned I don't want any changed, you made your "opinion" on me loud and clear.

Motivation Smotivation

I'm going to make this one a quick entry, do to the title. I just don't have any motivation what so ever today. I'm not sure if it is due to me just waking up or if the dream I had just makes me not want to do anything, but I can't believe Monday is here already. Ugh, oh well suppose it was to rear it's ugly head sooner or later.

I Maybe A Loser, But A Loser With A Dream

So the title is a little extreme, I don't consider myself a loser in any form of the word. I've done my share of stupid things that would put me in the category but I've learned from those mistakes which keeps me from a permanent spot on the list of top losers. I have a lot of success that I'm proud of that totally out weighs anyone's opinion of me. I kid around and rib myself on a constant basis, but if you can't laugh at yourself then who can you laugh at. There is a thin line between hate and love, and for the most part I love myself for who I am. I only hate myself when I do stupid things that may jeopardize my future. So when I'm pretty much told that I'm average, I get a little offended but not bothered. Like I said it's your opinion and we are all entitled to them because God knows I have my share of opinions. I was told I could negotiate but what's there to negotiate, you put on paper and scored me on how you really feel about my performance. So I think fair is fair, give me a chance to score you and let my feelings show on how well you did. Do you think this will ever happen? Doubtful, but in my head you've already been scored.

Alright Already

So this has been a beautiful couple of days, and I don't mean the weather. For starters, our young young company has been bought by a larger scale 21 year old entity. Yes, we have a parent company now. What does this mean for the lodge, well nothing as of yet on the property level. If you are one of the many who work for the company, all we see are big things in the future and the imaginations that go wild are so there. I really believe our young company is on it's way. Me and my partner in crime had the office to our selves Tuesday and Wednesday to run while our bosses had training. I'm just bummed that the third day is off the table now, but the good news is my Diva is free. One of the bosses are gone leaving the other one to run things for 3 days (Thursday, Friday, Monday). I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle this for that long, I may have to call in j/k. As far as my future plans go, they have been shaken up a bit. I have decided to stay put in my current position due to uncertainty and doubt, but the bigger picture is relocating to Cali is still a dominant presence. There would be nothing else I would want then the property to just be built and I get picked to head down to the Golden State. I will continue to apply for jobs down there and see what I can get but if I had a chance to stay with the current company, there would be no decision what so ever. A cub can dream can't he.

3/12/12

It was a great weekend the ended with a little stupidity but we all have those moments right? I go back to work today for 4 days and then 2 off again, how awesome is that. There have been talks about me heading to the HR team (sorry ER) and this is something I'm thinking about intently. I do love my job but to do something brand new would be great. I just have to talk with the director of ER and see where he sees me. Yeah I'm great at filing but what about me wanting to leave Washington, will that judge rather or not I should be able to switch. There is only one way to find out and I will have my answer today.

03/09/12

Friday, a payday, went pretty smoothly to say the least. Time seemed to drag however knowing that the night was shaping up to be a good one. 2pm came and I started to get antsy knowing that both my bosses were heading out at 3:30pm leaving me to man the ship for a half an hour. Thankfully the only bad thing was someone needing reimbursement for purchases the day before. I couldn't believe that the payday went by without any major complications for once. Thanks to yours truly for finding and fixing any mistakes ahead of time (with some help from the Diva herself and the Spaz). 4pm came and it was time for me to escape to my partner in crime's house for a little pre-dinner conversation. Gawd I love that lady and work isn't the same without her for sure. 5pm came and no sign of our fellow co-worker who was meeting up with us, and we started to get a little restless but a short text and she was on her way. 5:45pm we were all in my car and headed to the Limit Tavern across the street from where they would bowl the night away to meet up for dinner. Knowing that I would be leaving them all behind later, I took the opportunity to add in my shots early before they all started to drink. I got the privilege to sit next to one of my favorite people to make squirm. I do have to say it's not as bad not drinking, in fact I enjoyed myself a little more watching all of them partake in spirits and beer and becoming intoxicated fools. Alas, the night was coming to a close for me at 8:30pm I made my way around the table giving everyone a well deserved good night and good bye, a little something extra for my partner in crime. I think I'm going to enjoy this sober lifestyle since I'm not hungover nor am I missing the spins. Besides I was never too keen on drinking anyway, just something to replace my favorite addiction that I also can't do. Facebook is going to have some pictures for sure.

Feeling Left Out

I've been told so many times that you don't have to follow the crowd to have a good time. I believe this to be true, but what do you know human emotion jumps in to cloud my mind. I feel a tad bit jealous that I can't drink anymore which isn't a bad thing at all, and I feel a little left out that I won't be joining my co-workers in a fun game of Rock n Bowl this evening due to taking on a Saturday shift. I do however get to spend some time with them before I flake out and come home to sleep. It's not easy to know that I won't be able to participate in all of the games anymore due to my restrictions but I'm not going to let this get me down. I'm starting to feel like my old self again and damn it I'm going to enjoy this feeling as long as it lasts.

Careful, They May Hear You

So, yesterday I was doing my thing like normal. Sending out emails to clients looking for payment. Getting all the payroll settled for the week. Getting invites to lunch from the Diva. Now imagine mixing up two of the three and accidentally responding to a client your answer to the lunch invite with a "Hell Yeah!!!" Well I did that, my heart sank and I couldn't believe what I had just done. I made an attempt to recall the message and left it at that for now hoping and praying that it works. I will find out this morning rather it had or not. I've never felt so embarrassed about anything before now, this was just pure stupidity on my part. I've never been so careless when it came to managing my emails before. Wish me luck that this all has a happy ending.

I Want To Hold Your Hand

With recent events happening through out my friends and family, I want to comfort them all in one way or another, which is a tall order. Through the heartache that some are facing to hardships that are looming in the horizon, I just want to be strong for all of you. The trouble with this is I'm spreading myself thin and not taking into consideration the effect that this will have on myself. That being said, to quote a song by Daughtry, "This isn't the time to breakdown". I want to share in the joy of the successes and tears of the losses. I will be there for all of you in one form or another. So much emotion that I can share between everyone of you and I know from the bottom of my heart that I can do this. You all mean so much to me and if I was a millionaire I would make sure that you all were taken care of financially, but since I'm not I can extend my hand to you all.

Live For The Unknown

People call it the future, I call it the unknown. I live for the here and now, making the best of all my situations so that I can make the unknown visible. But here is when it gets a little tricky, who's to say that after all the hard work that it will actually matter. To take a line or actually the entire song from Linkin Park's "In The End", does it really matter? According to these guys it doesn't. I really would like to believe that it does and it benefits the here and now. What I've done so far has made a pretty good dent in my own already relevant history. Yes, that is bold to say relevant, that's because I am. I've spent too many years thinking the opposite just to be shut down and reminded on how much I do matter. I'm not saying on a global scale or even a small portion of the world, I mean in my own world. This consists of the friends and family that have told me otherwise, that I'm not a loser, I'm not meaningless and I do have something to contribute. So to live for something I'm not yet sure of, is cool but I'd rather live for what I've accomplished so far and continue doing the same later on. The unknown is a scary thing, but it's something that we all live towards and to make it our future regardless if it is unknown to others or even to ourselves. We work hard to better our future, and for now that is what I'm going to strive for. The here and now is the best place to be because it develops the unknown into something we can see.

The Old Gang Together Again

Last night we played poker at our friends house in Winlock, something we haven't done in over 4 years. It's weird to think how much time actually flew by since the last time we saw them all. It felt like old times minus the pot smoking on my behalf. I didn't realize how much I missed them. Thanks for the good time.

Conflict

Trying to explain a simple thing is so hard sometimes when the person who's supposed to be listening only hears what they want, which causes a ripple effect and arguments. Especially when they don't understand what it is you are saying in the first place. It's a pulling of the hair kind of moment that really ticks a person off. Trying to discuss something with a cooler head than the other person is just fucking frustrating and then the conflict arises because two stubborn people won't compromise. They only see their own point of view and nothing else. The other person speaks and it's really a waste of breath because they aren't being heard. Or it comes down to the condescending nod of the head and the "You are right" just so the discussion will end. ARG!!