The Feeling of Loss

After hearing news on a co-worker's father passing away suddenly Monday evening, I couldn't help but to relive my own experience. It's getting close to the 2 year anniversary of my own father passing and it still hurts the same as it did the night I watched him take his final breath. Hearing others go through this same fate makes my heart break and I feel a connection with those people. I know what they will endure in the coming days, I know the phases that they will go through and I know that they will be okay but never complete. After hearing the words "He was my best friend" come second hand from another co-worker who has been in contact with the now grieving man, reminded me of what my own brother said after my father passed. To my friends and colleagues who are experiencing these same feelings that I live with everyday since my dad was taken, I'm truly sorry and my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your families. Hold your siblings, spouses, and children close and don't ever forget you are loved.

Can You Believe It

As of this moment, I'm making a promise to keep my comments to myself when it comes to relocating. I'm sure everyone is getting pretty tired of hearing the same shit come out of my mouth when it relates to this subject. I know I can't believe it either, but the more I talk about it the more checked out I become and this is very dangerous. Instead, I'll fill my time and words with how I love my friends and family while the saving begins to grow. Oh, one more thing before I totally shut it down for now. My saving trick seems to be working for now, I just can't sacrifice my hours anymore. That being said, bring on month end and some O/T. I need to suck it up and drown myself in my work, oh and the company of good people.

It's Just Work........

To shape a career out of not having the education people think you should have is hard, but to achieve it is just amazing. I've been molded into something that was crap into something that is knowledgeable and profitable. I've learned valuable skills along this path and I know that I can take them to the next level. I've heard that higher education is a must have, but how can that compare to real life situations? Yes, a fancy degree can get you in doors quicker, but experience is something that can't be taught. I started out in the work force being told that I would never make it that I belong at places like fast food for the rest of my life, and most of that was due to not knowing how to grow up or let go of my insecurities about myself. I'm here today to prove them all wrong, the people who never supported me and thought that I was crap. I used to say it's just work, but now I can proudly say it's my career.

All Aboard

I finally got the bear on board. He's been wanting to do this for 2 years now, but has always had a different way of thinking about how it should be done. I've finally got him to see the realistic side of things. His "debt free" plan isn't a bad plan to any means, but it's just not logical when it comes down to actually leaving Washington. The saving begins even with the "suck" check from this coming pay day. I'm giving it 4 months until we are out of here, but we have until October. I believe giving us a deadline will make us tighten our belts, sad thing is we are going to be so fucking bored, and no Wrestlmania this year for me "SAD FACE". But sacrifices must be made if we want this to happen. Really, it's a very small sacrifice especially when our car is going to be needing some repairs before we go. So there is $70 saved right there with not getting the PPV this year. I'll update our progress in a couple of weeks but until then keep your fingers, toes and eyes crossed.

It's Official

We are so broke, it isn't even funny. I just balanced the check book kind of and with my crappy ass paycheck (thank you ear infections) we should be in the poor house lmao!! So I need two weeks recovery from my recent battle with the down and out, plus the ER bill hasn't shown up yet which scares me a little, but I'm not nervous, we just pay it off. The shitty thing is our car acting out, go figure. Damn shit storms!! Oh well, I just shrug my shoulders take a deep breathe and pay. It's what I do apart of being a responsible adult. Suck it up kid because whining and crying isn't going to make it go away, throwing a fit only makes it worse.

Do I Have To?

It's another wonderful Monday, and you all know what this means, that's right the start of the work week. YAY!!!!! I'm saying goodbye to a great weekend at home with the bear, that saw me get my rest that I've been desperately needing. I got to watch all my shows and play my video games while venturing out for a small stint at the casino to play a freebie, to which I think we are done for now. Bored factor an 8 for sure. I was happier to just stay home and do absolutely nothing. Next weekend may be a different story, but we'll see.

Goals

The only thing that I gained from the meeting yesterday is what I am doing wrong for my personal gain. I've been dreaming and dreaming of a huge move that is very attainable but not without some sort of timeline. I guess I've been telling myself that it's going to happen but not putting anything towards it. So, my goal is to be down in Cali by October of this year!! I am refusing to quit and I'm going to work my ass off to achieve this goal. First things first resume, second job hunt, third and the most important get the FUCK OUT!!!! That is all.

Frustration

I'm so frustrated, to say the least. I just don't understand how I'm supposed to accomplish something that no one else knows how to do, I guess it's on my shoulders to figure shit out on my own. I need to stop depending on others to help me, because they can't. So fuck this, I'm going to take this weekend and re-evaluate my situation and what I need to accomplish to make what I want come to fruition. This is so fucking hard, but I'm not anyone's puppet and I refuse to be taken advantage of anymore regardless of personal or professional relationships. It's time for me to just fucking do it already. God dammit I'm so fucking fed up and frustrated at how things have turned out. Over joyed that someone has decided to step up but fucking pissed on how it happened and how it's being handled. Stupid fucking baby shit. GOD!!!!!!!!! I'm airing out my thoughts right now, I just need to blow off some steam and just do what I need to do.

Bring on the Bill

So after a battle with the ears, I'm about 85% better which means the doctor bills will follow suit. Here is my dilemma, do I pay the bill completely using an already exhausted credit card, or do I pay in sections from a check that is completely sad (from missing work due to the damn infection)? It's tough to be a working adult with so many issues (none which are huge mind you) on their plate rather it be addiction (tobacco, gambling, etc.) or the normal paying of bills (rent, phone, etc.). Just to have their well being compromised because of fear on not being able to afford it. This is just another example on how people get screwed in life no matter how hard or how far they try to get in life there is always something that will knock them down. Granted I'm the last person who would ever complain about this subject because I'm not hurting by any means it's just frustrating. I normally make the best of any situation and just deal with it, I was taught better than that. I can't blame the world for my problems, just except them and make them better rather than bitch and complain and watch as they get worse because of my ignorance. That's something that my Grandpa taught me and others as well. 

Got My Groove Back

Although I'm not 100% back to normal, I'm getting there thanks to modern medicine. I'm not looking forward to a huge bill but it comes with the territory of not having my own doctor I suppose. I can't wait to get to work and get my shit done and finally say that I'm back. Praying that nothing else will bring me down. I just want to feel good again is this too much to ask for. If you ask my ears the answer is yes it is. Hell it's been 2 years before my last infection and it was bound to happen, I could only fight it off for so long. But until the next time, fuck you pain and fuck you not being able to hear a damn thing.

Day 2 of Pain

All I have to say is that this really blows, with both ears infected. I can't hear anything and it totally ruined my plans for this weekend. If it isn't one thing it's another, but don't feel to sorry for me since I am all antibiotic up and ready to fight this, but the pain is just tear jerking. I don't wish this upon anyone especially since I can't chew so the means I haven't eaten solid food in 2 days now, really 2 days. I remembered that we had oatmeal last night so that was my meal. I'm up at 5am throbbing in pain waiting for the next round of Tylenol PM to kick in so I can go back to sleep, but while I'm waiting I mine as well bitch and complain, lol.

Night in the ER

After a few hours of laying in pain I decided to have the bear drive my ass to the ER last night for my ear infection. It was pretty quick. It took both the nurse and the doctor to insert a wick into my ear because of how swollen it had gotten. The Doc even commented that she had never seen an ear so closed up before. Great should have gone yesterday when I wanted to. I hit walgreens and found out that my insurance is taken there so here's $20 for antibiotics. Got home around 1 am, popped a tylenol pm and off to dream land, just to wake up at 4am then 5, 6, and finally 8am so I can let my accounting peeps know that I wasn't coming in today. Oh and to top it all off, the other ear has decided to close up as well, so yay me, I'm just falling apart, but all this antibiotics should fix me right up. (I HOPE!!).

Dreams

Between dreaming of ghost children, past moments in my life, being chased by a machete wielding maniac, or even working in the Keebler tree you've think that I've had imagined everything. My new medication is said to give me vivid dreams and I thought to myself or more like laughed to myself "How could they get anymore vivid than what I already dream of". How about this for a change of pace, a boring moment by moment slow motion dream that was nothing like the previously mentioned dreams. Just to wake up a little on the dizzy side but refreshed for once in a long time. I'm sort of relieved but at the same time disappointed. Then again this is only day one, there is always tonight.

Headaches

Nothing is worse then a headache that just paralyzes you. Then there are those things that are compared to having a headache, little annoyances that just won't go away. Rather it be a mistake that someone keeps repeating or a relentless task that never ends. Then there are the everyday things that just piss you off to the brink of disaster. The bad part is there isn't a little pill that will take away these feelings of dread, the only remedy is peace and serenity. But seriously, how often do we really get that?

Why is saving so hard?

Tax return is back and the make believe plans that we had for it goes right out the window just like years past. Why change anything now right? As soon as it gets deposited into our bank account, we go on a spending frenzy of sorts just because it's there. If only we could sit back and save it or better yet follow through with our plan. But we never see the big picture, we only see the here and now. The "I'm bored" syndrome that sends us in said frenzy. Oh well, it's fun while it lasts right?